Red cloak no more...

Between photography, playdates, the kids, building the fence, and gardening..I have been too busy for God.  My bible study has been at best 15 minutes.  I have had to ask the Lord to forgive me, for being too busy for Him.  He has purposes for me each day and I let my busy mind get in the way.

I have been wanting to write about this since I wrote my testimony, but I have been so busy. God has given me this life for a purpose. My testimony doesn't end at salvation, that's where my new life begins. One of the things He had in store for me is healing.  

He took my broken, wounded, lost self and rescued me. He picked up the pieces that my self destructive behavior left behind.  He healed my raw wounds that impurity engraved in my heart. Those scars are still there, but my Lord brought me to a place of healing and redemption. This is exactly what Satan doesn't want.  When we receive healing from Christ, we make the devil sorry he ever messed with us.  I want the devil to be sorry that he ever tempted people to do the bad things to me. Sorry that he ever planted those seeds of insecurity. Because from those horrible moments grew healing and surrender that eventually produced joy that only can come from Christ. 

I love the song lyrics, "I remember why I'm healed, to surrender and believe, and fall down on my knees.."

Guilt and shame are two things that Satan still hangs on to through this process.  When an old song comes on the radio that makes memories flash back, or when I reunite with an old friend that knew me before I was a Christian.  I have done several photo sessions for people who knew a very ugly side of me.  Satan loves to throw past things in my face, and try to take away my joy.  

I won't let him do this to me anymore. Hey, isn't that what Christ came to do? He came to heal us, so that we don't have to walk around broken and punishing ourselves anymore! 

But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed. Isaiah 53:5

I was watching Beth Moore on Life Today this week, and she was talking about this very thing.  If you read Psalm 147, 

"How good it is to sing praises to our God,
   how pleasant and fitting to praise him!

   The LORD builds up Jerusalem;
   he gathers the exiles of Israel. 
  He heals the brokenhearted   
   and binds up their wounds.  
  He determines the number of the stars   
  and calls them each by name. 
   Great is our Lord and mighty in power;   
    his understanding has no limit." (emphasis added)

The Israelites were in exile due to their own sin. They had worship other idols, and were broken due to their own doing.  In verse three it shows, that the Lord gathers us up, heals our broken hearts, and binds up our wounds, even when it's our own fault. We can stop wearing guilt and shame like a scarlet cloak.  

I have received healing in many areas, butChrist is not finished with me yet, because I know there are things in my life He needs to deal with. But I can praise God instead of feeling guilt and shame. 

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly. John 10:10

Jesus, keep me near the cross and help me to never forget.  I love you and I thank you!

Happy Birthday to me!!! 5 years!

The Easter season is among us. I love Easter. It is one of my favorite seasons of the year; second to Christmas. Christmas is important because God came down to earth; that's a pretty big deal.  But Easter... Easter is just as significant. If Jesus would have came to earth, and that's it, we would be lost sinners whose God lived on earth, period. Jesus didn't just come to earth and live. He came to earth to live a sinless life. Pause for a moment. Sinless life. Do you believe that? The majority of the population does not.  If you do not believe that Jesus lived a perfect life, then we are hopeless headed for a perishing eternity. God is love (1 John 4), but God is just. The just word rubs people the wrong way, but it shouldn't. God is perfect, God is holy, righteous.... So, God cannot have fellowship with anything imperfect, unholy, etc. From the beginning of time sacrifice has always been a requirement for the payment of sin. Example, in the garden when Adam and Eve sinned, they were given animal skin to cover themselves once they knew they were naked.  An animal had to die in order for them to have covering.  Jesus Christ who lived a perfect life was our sacrifice. He had to be perfect, because if not, then it would be like me or you dying for mankind. Thank the Lord that He was obedient, and He remained sinless until death.  It doesn't end there though. He didn't just die.  If he would have came to earth, lived, and died, then he would be like most other religious leaders. Dead. Jesus did something only God can do. Only a God who created life could raise Jesus from the dead.  That victory over sin allows us to be covered in the blood of the true spotless lamb, Jesus Christ. This was a once for all deed, (that's why we don't do animal sacrifice anymore) however, one must choose to accept this gift in order to receive it. "You must confess with your mouth "Jesus is Lord" and believe in your heart that God raised him from the grave and you will be saved." Romans 10:9

The Easter season is so special to me and always revives my thankfulness for salvation, because my "salvation birthday" is right before Easter; March 6, 2007. That's right, I have been a Christian for FIVE years! Happy Birthday to me! I have never really given my testimony before. I gave a brief "interview" type testimony for the children at our church a year ago. I feel that in celebration of my 5 year birthday I should give an extended testimony of what the Lord has done in my life.

I was raised Catholic. We attended regularly, and was on my way to being confirmed.  However, at age 14 I started attending the Baptist church.  Around this time I began to make decisions about relationships, and how I conducted myself that were based upon feelings. These decisions lead me to "feel" the church was judgmental and hypocritical and I did not want to be a part of it. By the age of 17, these decisions began to catch up with me. I was depressed, and in one year I lost 20 pounds. I felt guilty and for a while refrained from this negative behavior, and started going to a bible study with my best friend. (I was attempting to gain God's favor by my works).

 One week at this bible study we were talking about forgiving others. I thought, awe man, I don't need this. I am so forgiving. It was pretty easy for me to forgive at this point, because when I was at such a low and needed to be forgiven by so many, it was pretty easy to forgive others. I made it through the whole session thinking, Ok...when will this be over so we can sing... When they passed out index cards for everyone to write the name down of the person they need to forgive.  The leader allowed people to share (who fell so lead to). One lady shared about how she was molested, and said it was her own cousin. Immediately my mind jumped to when I was 8. My cousin had done the same to thing to me. My heart started beating so hard I could HEAR it! When this event happened in my life, I thought I was just a bad girl. I knew I shouldn't have done it, and I felt guilty, so I didn't say a word. I never saw that cousin, so I thought if I just never said anything it would go away.  Well, I was wrong.  That secret grew like a cancer inside of me until I lived every day in guilt. I had ulcers all in my mouth for years.  I thought about how bad I was all the time.  And even when little things would happen that most kids would brush off, I would let it weigh on my shoulders like I was the scum of the earth. We moved away, and that feeling went away and I really just forgot about the event. Until that night at bible study. I told my best friend and my mom about what happened. 
 I dont remember whose name I wrote down, but with the Lord's strength I have forgiven my cousin. 

Ever since I was born I have always loved attention. I am an "attention-getter". I'm extroverted. I have watched home videos of my parents "trying" to video my little brother, but I'm jumping in the camera making up ridiculous excuses why they need to be videoing me instead. It's embedded in my nature. When I was a teenager, I really loved getting boys attention. So much, that when my mom actually allowed me to have a boyfriend, she quickly grounded me from having boyfriends, because I changed them like I changed my underpants. When I was 15 I liked a boy and my parents would not let me date him. So, I dated other boys, but always had that boy in the back of my mind. When I was old enough "to do what I wanted"I decided to date this boy. I thought that he was going to be "the one". The one to fill that void. The one to give me the attention I needed. When that didn't work out, I didn't know what to do. So, I did what I did best. I jumped into the next best relationship I could find. That one didn't work out either. In the midst of all this being tossed to and fro, God was working. Hallelujah what a Savior!


While I was in one of those relationships, and I visited Starkville, MS.  I ran into someone I knew from my past. We reintroduced ourselves, and I introduced my boyfriend at the time, and we went our separate ways.  To give a back story about this fellow, He became a Christian at the age 15. He was a goodie too shoes from what I remember, and I didn't know what he was doing hanging out at one of these places, but like I said, God was working. Don't get me wrong, I do not believe that it's God's will for us to sin. However, God was using this situation for good.  After that entire my life spiraled even further down. In 7 months I made even worse decisions, was kicked out of my parent's house, moved back in, got engaged to someone who was making equally as bad decisions as I, and unengaged.  Over the summer that nice fellow from MS and I began to date and by the time school started back we were in a serious relationship.  My partying and drinking had reached it's all time high after the last break-up, and carried into the new relationship. 
We realized quickly that our relationship was explosive while we were drinking. The third explosion was a mile marker in our relationship.  After running through the streets of Starkville, attempting to run back to Birmingham, I remember stopping, sitting on the sidewalk in front this old plantation home. The nice Mississippi fellow, Lance, began to cry. He told me how this is not what God wants him to be doing. Wow, that was sobering. Lance had convictions that I had never heard of. At that moment in our relationship, we decided that we would have to break up or change our ways. We chose to change our ways; no more partying for us. The Holy Spirit was working in my life. He began to show me how my life was not one that honored God. He began to show me that I was a sinner, and no matter how good or nice I could be, I still needed a savior.  Lance showed me that everything I thought I knew about Christianity was based on opinion and an earthy worldview.  Every time he would correct me, he would show me scripture. If any of you know me, you'll know that I hate being wrong.  So, I decided to study this thing for myself, that way I could win some of these arguments. 


I bought a journal to keep notes, because it got a bit overwhelming. The other day I dug out that old journal and in the inside of the cover, I wrote special verses that I memorized. My very first bible verse that I memorize was "In the beginning was the word and the word was with God, and the word was God." John 1:1. (I know now that it is talking about Jesus, however, at the time I thought it was talking about God's word)  Here are a few of the others...

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28

"Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you...if you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are you not even the tax collectors doing that?" Matthew 5:46

"Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised." Pro 31:30

One of my favorite passages was/is... Romans 12:9-21

"This righteousness from God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe." Romans 3:22

"Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things." Col 3:2

"What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own son, but gave him up for us all." Romans 8:31

"Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come,  nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:37-39 

"if we live in the spirit, let us also walk in the spirit." Gal 5:25

"That the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of Glory, may give unto you the spirit of wisdom and revelation in the knowledge of him. " Eph 1:17

"Study to show thyself approved unto God, a workman that needs not to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth." 2 Tim 2:15

"This is the day which the LORD hath made; we will rejoice and be glad in it." Ps 118:24

"All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, and for instruction for righteousness. " 2 Time 3:!6

"She opens her mouth with wisdom; and her tongue is the law of kindness." PRovers 31:26

"Open your eyes, that I may behold wondrous things out of you law. " Ps 119:18

"I will sing a new song unto you, O God; upon a psaltery and an instrument of ten string will I sing praise unto you." Ps 144:9

"Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path. " Ps 119:105

"Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me. " Ps 51:10

"They word have I hid in mine heart, that I might not sin against you. " Ps 119:11

"Go e therefore, and teach all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit." Matthew 28:19a

"You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart with all your soul, and with all your strength. "

If you notice a lot of these verses have to do with studying God's word. I needed God's word. In 6 months the Lord showed me a lot about who He is, and what salvation is. It was March 6th, 2007. I just left Starkville, and was on my way to Chelsea. I knew in my heart of hearts that I had never confessed Jesus to be my Lord and Savior. I knew I believed in God, I knew that I believed in His son; but through God's word, I learned that even demons believe in God. 

You believe that there is one God. You do well. Even the demons believe—and tremble! (Jas 2:18-19)

 So, I knew that there was a "faithful" believing that was require in order for salvation.  However, I was embarrassed, I thought to myself, "I'm 20 years old, most people do this when they are a child." I called Lance and told him, and He urged me to pray. I prayed that morning on I-59 N near the Mercedes plant. At that moment, I became a Christian. I asked Jesus to save me from my sin, and that I realize that I cannot earn that salvation. His death and resurrection paid my sin debt, nothing else.  

At the moment life became clear. A lot like the allergy medicine commercials. One of my favorite verses are... 

"That we from now on be no more children, tossed to and fro, and carried about with every wind of doctrine, by the sleight of men, and cunning craftiness, whereby they lie in wait to deceive;" Eph 4:14

God used a bad time in Lance's life to allow us to enter into our relationship.  God quickly used to Lance to encourage me and show me that there is a savior who can fill every void we have. God's word transformed our relationship, and ultimately I gained a relationship with the Lord! I have such a strong love for God's word. 


I love how the Lord gives exactly what we need. Having a relationship with the Lord fills that need for attention, however, He gave me a man who shows me the attention that I need. He loves me, He respects me, and He looks at me like I'm a child of God.   

"For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart." Heb 4:12 

Now that I am a Christian, life isn't perfect. I still have temptations, this Spring weather makes me really want a cigarette; August 3, 2011 was 5 years smoke-free!  However, I have a purpose and a Lord who is there for me through it all.  I have God's promises to hold fast to in times of trouble.I am free. I am a new creation, like a butterfly. 
I have hope. 
Without Christ, without the hope of eternity, what do we have?  I was absolutely hopeless before March 6, 2007.