Refocusing my eyes...

Well when I started writing this blog it was with a completely different mind set.  I have been reading Unchristian by David Kinnaman, and I had been thinking about how the church has hypocritical.  I need to a better job of not acting like I have "all together"and being more authentic. As you know, I have two kids, and I can't pump out a blog and then post. I have to work on it pieces until I am finished.  I woke up early one more last week and was nearly finished. Only it didn't save. I was so upset. Thankfully, it was because God wasn't finished with me. I'll write about that later! 


I have bitten off quite a lot. Without sounding like I'm patting myself on the back, I just want to say I'm memorizing, reading, and studying. I am so excited about several of those commitments right now, when  I do have a free moment its hard for me to decide which one to do. It's easy to be excited about things like this when being lead by the spirit. The Lord has just pumped me with some Holy Spirit "energy" these past few weeks. However, Monday and Tuesday of this were especially "bubble bursting", this lead to a pretty bummed out Wednesday.  This was something I wrote that day,

"I woke up heavy-hearted today. This is ironic to me, since I am memorizing James and the first thing he addresses is to count it joy! So today, I've been repeating James words to comfort my heart. "

Without even thinking of these occurrences, I asked Lance to pray for me, I said, "For about 3 days it has been extremely hard to want to memorize scripture. In fact, I didn't even learn 1 new verse.  My bible study was especially difficult, and I found it hard to put anymore thought into other than answering the questions."  Lance brought it to my attention that I have been worrying.  He said, "Worrying makes everything worse...you aren't doing anything while you are worrying, the worrying takes all your energy, then you are left still not wanting to do anything."  As country as it sounds, he hit the nail on the head.

This reminds me of Peter and Jesus walking on water.  Peter had faith and trusted Jesus as he stepped onto the water.  Peter walked on water as his eyes were fixed on Jesus.  Once he remember the waves and felt the wind, he took his eyes away, and focused on the fierce storm.  He lost faith and trust in Jesus as he feared the storm. Peter began to sink.  Peter was able to walk on water with Jesus' power, and when he feared the storm, he began to sink.  

Dear Lord, I have taken back my trust. I am more afraid of the storm than in what you can do. I know that I can hide in you, because you are working all things together for my good. Even if this situation doesn't turn out the way I want, I know that you will hold my hand through it. You will supply all my needs. I love you Lord. 

I worried so much that I was worn out!  I was functioning on my own, without the power from God.  Essentially, I was zapping my out strength. Most of the time, our house is filled with joy and laughter; Noah is the silliest little boy I know (I might be a little bias). However, when doubt and fear enter our worlds, then joy escapes.

The world may make moms feel like our job is insignificant, but it is the most important job on this earth.  Noah and Anna's first experience and witness to what faith and trust looks like is in our home.  The Lord is able to mighty things even in my house; Am I going to keep my eyes on him? Or look at the storm coming our way?

I want to be an abiding Mother...

So I'm standing in the kitchen feeding Anna, while Noah is playing basketball in the living room. Noah was suppose to eat lunch 45 minutes ago, but we got home a little late from bible study. We only have one highchair, so Noah has to wait for Anna to eat lunch before he can eat his.  He is trying to get inside of Anna's bouncy seat (which he weighs too much for). I must mention that Noah is playing basketball with not only a basketball, but with a kickball, football, and a bouncy ball. For some reason, he keeps making this awful sound...its like a yell, but its more of a grunt.  He makes this sound when he is unhappy. I try to tell him that this sound is not nice, and try to verbalize his needs. 

When I think about the mom I want to be, my mind often goes to the movies I see on tv. With the mom standing in the kitchen with an apron on. By the way, I never wear an apron... I don't really have issues with getting food on my clothes, but the "perfect" mom in my head always has an apron on. There are cookies baked, and she talks in a cheerful and joyful voice. She is full of joy and encourages her children. Her children are happy and well behaved. This reminds of someone...the virtuous woman of proverbs: 
"She watches over the ways of her household, 
      And does not eat the bread of idleness.
       ²⁸ Her children rise up and call her blessed;
      Her husband also, and he praises her:
       ²⁹ “ Many daughters have done well,
      But you excel them all.”
       ³⁰ Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing,
      But a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised. "

Proverbs 31:10-31

In my world... I'm standing in a kitchen, which looks a whole lot like my dream kitchen: clean and welcoming. However, I don't have baked goods, everyone isn't walking around smiling and talking in a cheerful voice. My children are screaming, disobeying... I have a 21 month old and 6 month old. We are still learning how to obey.   My husband called my son a "poo poo butt" one day while changing his diaper. Noah insists on repeating that even though he knows that is not a nice thing to say.  It seems like Noah is always in "trouble" and things are always hectic! This is not the picture I have in my mind of the atmosphere I want for my home. 

A lot of times I sit back and say, "One day...when my kids aren't toddlers and babies anymore.." When the issues aren't climbing on the fireplace or getting in Anna's bouncy seat. Then my home will look like I want it to. Then it occurred to me, I'm a mom now. God has called me to be a woman/mother who fears the Lord in all I do NOW. These very moments that I have are going to shape my children. It will shape who they are now, who they will become, and the atmosphere of my home and family in the future. So if what I want my attitude as a mom, and my atmosphere of my home to be that of the virtuous woman in proverbs, then why do I walk around so defeated? Frustrated? Negative? I feel like I am always getting into a rush, and I say things to Noah that I wish I didn't, because I'm frustrated with the situation.  I think the answer is because I am trying to do everything on my own. I am living in the moment. I think I hit survival mode a lot, because there is so much on my plate. When I am in survival mode, then I do what comes naturally to me. That should tell me what I am doing wrong.  Naturally, I'm not going to be the mom that I want to be. Naturally, I'm going to do the things I do not want to do. 

I don't want to live by my nature any longer. I want to live by the spirit. Even though I am a believer, and a child of God, I don't wake up each morning filled with the Holy Spirit. Being filled with the spirit takes the effort of abiding in the Lord daily. When I spend time with the Lord through prayer and through His word, then I can be filled the spirit. This will overflow into my attitude; Galatians 5:22-23 says, "But the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control." If I am abiding in Him, then the fruits should be evidence in my life. If I want to be the mother God wants me to be, I have to be filled with the Holy Spirit.  That is so encouraging to me, because now I can be an intentional mom, I can prepared for what's coming next, I won't let my emotions get the best of me.  When Noah is disobedient I can gain wisdom from God verses going on my emotions.  It gives me joy, because often times I walk around my house in a "funk".  I think about how much I would love a break from the kids. When I am being an intentional mom, I want to be around them. Now, I know that it's never going to be the "perfect" atmosphere, and I'll never be the "perfect" mom. However, I know that God has more joy for me and my family. Our preacher talked about abiding this sunday.  The only way I can tap into that joy is by abiding.

Ann Voskamp, I love her site. I follow her blog and enjoy the freebies that she gives.  One of the freebies that she gives is 

A Parenting Manifesto of Joy. On this it says things, like... 

"Today, I will make our house a home of prayer." 

"Today, I will no emergencies". If I am intentional and letting God make my schedule for me, I can avoid emergencies and rushing.   

I love this.." Today, when stress mounts, I will dismount it with gratitude. My stress management plan with my intervention with verbal thanks. I can only feel one feeling at a time, and I choice to give thanks at all times. Fight feeling with feeling." This is great! When I am overwhelmed with frustration and when I want to throw my hands up, I can fight feeling with feeling. I find something I am thankful for! I heard something the other day that real struck me. I notice that my husband has had a lot more thanksgiving in his praying lately, and I mentioned that to him. He said someone told him, "What if today you only had the things that you thanked God for yesterday." That really hit home, because I feel like I'm thankful. However, I feel like I am ungrateful more than I'm thankful. I feel like the reason for that is because I'm busy. What is so sad is that I am busy with things that God has blessed me with! He blesses me with so many privileges, and instead of turning it around to thanksgiving, they become idols. So, being thankful is such a wonderful tool we have to stress management. 

    I like number 5, it says, "Speak words that only strong words....grace words...all other words are death words." We have to be so careful what we say. I need to be intentional in my word choice. My words are powerful, most times our words are how we train our children; so our words should be grace words. Our words are shaping our children.  

"I am the true vine, and My Father is the vinedresser.  Every branch in Me that does not bear fruit He takes away; and every branch that bears fruit He prunes, that it may bear more fruit.  You are already clean because of the word which I have spoken to you.  Abide in Me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in Me."                   John 15:1-4

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